Playoff Preview 2

NON-SPOILER ALERT: Unlike the NFC, which I think is easier to predict (until the Pack pissed away the Panthers game (Chuck breaks that pass up 9 times outta 10 (FUCK))).  The AFC is a huge fucking mess.  As it stands now, I see no favorite.  All of the following teams have, in my view, fatal flaws.  I’ve seen them all play well, and I’ve seen them all fall on their faces.  I don’t get it, and I never will…but I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.  I’m picking a winner here, but I can honestly see five teams winning the AFC: Titans, Colts, Jets, Patriots, and Steelers.  Here’s my best shot though…

THE AFC FIELD

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals

Cleveland Browns

Although the Ravens are only one game behind the Steelers, their schedule looks pretty daunting for a rookie quarterback to navigate down the stretch.  They host the Redskins and Steelers, take a trip to Dallas and finish with the hapless Jaguars at home.  Optimistically they go 3-1, but reality tells me it’s either 2-2 or 1-3, either way that’s not enough to make it to the final dance.  Meanwhile, December has arrived bringing good cheer to Pittsburgh.  The ‘burgh has an equally tough finish (vs. Dallas, at Ravens, at Titans and vs. Browns), but unlike the Ravens, the Steelers are a good team.  Also, Troy Polamalu is the Defensive Player of the Year.  Yes, he gets burned like every safety does, but he never misses a chance to come up with the big play.

Nothing, not even a couple more Ray Lewis murders will get the Ravens in the playoffs

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars

Houston Texans

The Titans’ three game lead with four to play is way too much for the peculiar Colts to make up, but playoffs are certainly in Indi’s future.  Even though they’ve reeled off five in a row, the Colts still remain a mystery.  And Peyton Manning being Peter King’s top MVP candidate, c’mon Pete, that’s not cool.  Although Kurt Warner is trying his best to piss the MVP away, he has to be the leader at this point.  When it’s all said and done expect Warner and Adrian Peterson to be in a dead heat for the MVP.  In a year in which nobody is a true favorite, I’m saying Purple Jesus claims his first MVP because the writers come to the realization that giving Kurt Warner three MVP awards would be a tragedy. 

WINNER: TENNESSEE TITANS

WILD CARD: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Oh, the ole AFC East…good times.  The three teams in contention in this division are not as good as their records may indicate.  Playing both the NFC and AFC West is the gift that just keeps on giving.  The combined record of these divisions is 31-65, meaning the AFC East’s win totals are slightly inflated.  That said, with an extremely shaky AFC picture the Jets and Pats have the potential to do some damage in the playoffs, the Dolphins…not so much.  Looks like the Jets and Pats are continuing their yearlong battle of which team has the easiest schedule and down the stretch it looks like this: Jets (at 49ers, vs. Bills, at Seahawks, vs. Dolphins), Pats (at Seahawks, at Raiders, vs. Arizona, at Bills).  With a one game lead now and the easier schedule, I like the Jets to take the East.  There will still be room in the postseason for the Patriots.

 

Best way to tell you live in a shithole town? Wayne Chrebet's name is on your sign.

WINNER: NEW YORK JETS

WILD CARD: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

AFC West

San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders

Kansas City Chiefs

I think most people will agree that the Broncos kind of suck.  I read it in SI.com’s Power Rankings and I completely agree, no one can figure out the Broncos.  Lose to the Raiders and Chiefs, beat Falcons and Jets, what?  This team depends on the ample arm of a young man from Santa Claus, Indiana.  When I think of the high risk/high reward QBs in the game today, I immediately go to Favre, Romo and Cutler.  The problem for the Broncos is that the Jets and Cowboys have good enough teams to eek out a win if their QB happens to self-destruct.  With the Broncos it’s a Cutler clinic or a loss, those are the only two options.  More than any team in the league, the Broncos will live by the sword, die by the sword…but what a sword it is.  Alright, my Cutler hard-on is slowing subsiding, luckily for all you readers this isn’t the NFC side because I’m sure I’d find a way to discuss Aaron “The Surgeon General” Rodgers at this point.  

Reach for the stars, Tony, because even if you miss you'll land amongst the clouds

WINNER: DENVER BRONCOS

BYES: #1 Tennessee Titans and #2 N.Y. Jets

#3 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. #6 New England Patriots

            We just saw this game a couple of days ago, and it wasn’t pretty.  Anyone who knows me well knows my annoying habit when talking Patriots football; I can’t help but focus on Randy Moss.  I know he dropped some TDs in this last game, but the only chance the Pats have to win in Pittsburgh is to chuck it to Moss at least once a series.  They, of course, will not do that and they will get clobbered.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

#4 Denver Broncos vs. #5 Indianapolis Colts

            Nightmare match-up for the Broncos.  Just like Packers vs. Cowboys, the Broncos simply cannot beat Peyton Manning.  Peyton is not a cold weather QB, so it’s possible that he’ll struggle in January, but no…Colts win.

WINNER: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

#1 Tennessee Titans vs. #5 Indianapolis Colts

            I know the Titans are 11-1, but they’ve been frauds in my view the entire year.  I know on a lot of levels my beliefs are wrong, but I just don’t like them in the playoffs, sorry.

WINNER: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

#2 N.Y. Jets vs. #3 Pittsburgh Steelers 

            Unfortunately for the Jets, they do not draw the warm weather Colts and lose their advantage.  Although there have been some sore spots recently, Brett Favre is still the guy to have in a cold weather showdown.  The Steelers will obviously not be intimidated by cold weather, and if Big Ben can figure out how to not hold onto the ball for an hour every time he drops back, Steelers will play well enough to win on the road.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

#3 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. #4 Indianapolis Colts

            This is a toss-up for me.  My coin says the Steelers.

You may be colorless now, but soon it'll be your time to shine, Limas

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Playoff Preview

SPOILER ALERT: The following article will detail the complete results of the 2008/2009 NFL Playoffs.  If you have planned to watch these ‘offs in real time I suggest you skip this installment.

The NFC Field

NFC East

            Best division in football, obviously.  How good are the Giants if they’re mowing down some of football’s best?  Looks like the Eagles will fold under the weight of this division, while the Redskins will emerge bloody, unable to fit into the playoff picture.  Now let’s talk Cowboys, aka the dysfunctional NFC Pro Bowl roster.  The ‘boys will be reunited under the leadership of quarterback-elect Tony Romo and charge into the playoffs. 

After getting shunned from Philadelphia, McNabb decides to become ?uestlove's understudy.

WINNER: NEW YORK GIANTS

WILD CARD: DALLAS COWBOYS

NFC North

            Detroit Lions

            This division boils down to the oldest rivals in the NFL, Packers vs. Bears.  A quick look at the schedules will tell you the Vikings will not be there in the end, but expect Green Bay and Chicago to go down to the wire.  Packers are a mystery and the Bears suck at defense, offense and special teams.  Gotta go with them Packers.

This pedophile looks an awful lot like Brad Childress   

WINNER: GREEN BAY PACKERS

NFC West

            San Francisco 49ers

            Seattle Seahawks

            St. Louis Rams

            No comment.

            WINNER: ARIZONA CARDINALS

NFC South

            Saints are in last place and struggling and I’m still not quite buying what the Falcons are selling.  Carolina has built a lead in the division and they'll keep it.  Tampa is the team that everyone forgets when trying to recite the playoff teams from the previous year.

            WINNER: CAROLINA PANTHERS

            WILD CARD: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Wild Card Weekend

BYES: #1 NEW YORK GIANTS and #2 CAROLINA PANTHERS

#3 ARIZONA CARDINALS vs. #6 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

            Jeff Garcia and Warrick Dunn just can’t match the points the Cards will put on the board.  The Cardinals’ playoff win propels the Phoenix area to a high that it hasn’t seen since Pat Tillman returned from Afghanistan after successfully bringing Osama bin Laden to justice.

You did it, Pat!

#4 GREEN BAY PACKERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Packers cannot beat the Cowboys.  It’s been that way for decades, irrelevant of location, situation or players.  Rodgers at Lambeau: loss.  Hasselbeck in the preseason: loss.  Favre at Texas Stadium: loss.  Majkowski in cold weather: loss.  Nall in a dome: loss.  Brohm in the Super Bowl: loss.  Pederson on the Xbox: loss.  It’s just not happening.               

ROUND TWO

#1 NEW YORK GIANTS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            O SNAP, payback muthafucka.  This exact scenario played out last year, with teams reversed.  Same result this time as the lower seed (this time Dallas) pulls off the stunner. 

Dual-threat Jacobs, destroying DBs and our environment.  What an asshole.

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #3 ARIZONA CARDINALS

            When the Cardinals travel east of the Mississippi River they lose.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Cowboys continue their march to the Super Bowl with an absolute beat down of the hapless Delhomme-led Panthers.  Given the current state of the economy, the Cowboys decide not to spend money on a glitzy Tampa hotel, and instead stay with southwest Florida resident and team friend Marg Pagel.  

Marg (center) enjoying the scenery with her friends Adam and DeMarcus

(First one to make an inappropriate joke loses...their life)

AFC coming soon.

HIGH FIVES!!!!!! YAYyayYAY

Wow, I've been on a pretty long break from the Fives. I would like to apologize to everyone and assure you that the wait is over. And Here............We............GO.

TOP 5 CEREALS THAT LEAVE THE MOST DELICIOUS MILK:

5) Frosted Flakes
-Frosty

4) Cocoa Puffs
-Chocolaty

3) Waffle Crisp
-Waffle-y

2) Apple Jacks
-Apple-ly

1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
-Cinnamon-y

(Mmm mmm delicious, DIABETICS BEWARE!)

TOP 5 SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHILE TURDING:

5) Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

4) Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

3) Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men

2) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

1) Drop It Like Its Hot - Snoop Dogg

(Auto Industry bailout, what a joke)

TOP 5 Pagel Movie Favorites:

5) Sleepless in Seattle

4) The Notebook

3) Dream Girls

2) Patch Adams

1) Anything Tyler Perry

(Oh that Madea, non-stop laughs)

Alright, so by this point it is pretty obvious that Pagel is still watching that month long marathon of Countdown with Keith Olbermann and is wayyyyyy to busy to post on his blog. So before you go any greener on us, it's time to get back in the game.

Power Rankings

Even though it's been over a month since the Power was last on, the top teams have more or less held serve. Two weeks to make a play, with all but one team still in the picture. Let's just get right into it before I start venting about how shoddy Mike McCarthy's playcalling is.

(...or how ill-equipped the Packers are to overcome Nick Barnett's injury and make a legit run at one of the NFL's worst divisions)
(...or that the Rexy-led Bears are about to end Green Bay's season on their own turf with nearly two months left on the regular season calendar)
(...or how Aaron Rodgers' arm looks more flaccid than Ciske's ween at a Regnery titty party)


But I digress...

1. Team lawniczak (8-2): This is what's known as a "make-up call." The Power Rankings took several weeks off, most of which would have put Lawny at the top.
You Are Here- The most consistent team from Day One, and the frontrunner talent-wise with a healthy Steven Jackson.
You'll End Here- Like many teams, a lack of consistently big QB scoring (Matty Ice and Big Ben) could be Lawny's kryptonite.

2. Flight of the Khannchords (8-2): League's highest point scorer has been victorious in 6 consecutive games, leaving top dogs Lawny, Murnane, and Gallert in his wake.
I Am Here- Warner is tossing his way to a (gulp) third MVP, and with the return of Boldin, there's no reason he'll slow up. Ryan Grant has shown signs of resurgence, averaging 4.3 and 4.7 yards per carry against the NFL's two best rush defenses.
I'll End Here- With his lack of carries, MJD is still one of the league's most mind-numbingly frustrating players, and is liable to have virtually no contribution any given week. Can Roddy and Megatron continue to post huge numbers despite unpredictable QB play?

3. Denver's Helicopter Men (6-4): Matchup of the week coming up against Lawny, with a first-round Bye still within striking distance.
You Are Here- Welcome back, AD. Steve Smith is quietly putting together another great campaign. Is K2 back, too?
You'll End Here- LJ's return continues to be the deciding factor for this team, for better or for worse. Without him, Murn-Dawg's flex is a major concern, with Torain's ACL joining Shaun Livingston's in tendon heaven, and Bowe getting fewer targets than Mark Bradley since Thiggy took over the reigns in KC.

4. Plack Beople (7-3): Good with his fingers, Argall keeps pushing the right buttons, despite a beat-up roster. (This is me dropping you a spot from where you would have been if you had written something)
You Are Here- SuperCut's ascent to, fall from, and return to his spot amongst the league's best fantasy QBs has been this year's great wild card.
You'll End Here- If he reverts to the 2007 Pagel version, post-injury Reggie will cripple Slick Willy in the 'offs. Lacking a legit #2 WR and weak at the flex spot, Ryno can't afford to get single digits from The Reg as well.

5. Team ciske (4-6): Scrambling back into the picture after dropping five in a row from weeks 2-6.
You Are Here- With Thomas Jones' return to fantasy relevance, Ciske has reeled off 106, 113, and 121 points in three of the last four. Suddenly a very deep and dangerous team. For the first time in two years, I have no shitty players to rip on.
You'll End Here- Doesn't control his own destiny, which is a shame. I've been loathe to give Benny credit, but this team is rounding into form nicely- and, most likely, a bit too late. Very tough finish (Murnane and Argall).

6. Clayton Bigsby (5-5): Queekfest's top WR duo has ran roughshod, but RB health keeps Diggs hovering around .500 and in danger of falling out of the playoff picture altogether.
You Are Here- 'Dre Days keep Gal in the thick of contention.
You'll End Here- Playoffs!!?? Three straight losses with no more than 79 points in a week does not bode well...but the season closes out with Parkhill and Garrett. The returns of Addai and Fast Willie key Nate Dogg's title hopes.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers (5-5): Two straight wins keeps Michael Leslie on life support.
You Are Here- Matt Forte has been everything DMC was supposed to be. I was completely wrong about Brandon Jacobs- just imagine what his numbers might be if he was getting a full complement of carries. No one wants to face a team QB'd by Romo in the playoffs.
You'll End Here- ?Donde esta Senor Moss? To clinch a spot in the tournament, Pagel needs to split his final two...which happen to be against one Anshu Khanna and another Brian Lawniczak.

8. Cromartie McFly (3-7): Much-anticipated transfer of the reins to Tim Hightower has come a bit too late for Psycho A.
You Are Here- Although we've likely heard the last of IV this season, with the dust clearing on injuries, Luebbers has a solid bunch, with Owens (with Romo), Colston, and Braylon back together for the first time since opening weekend.
You'll End Here- With just 53 points last week, Lu is going quietly. The Great Rookie RB Experiment has gone awry. Still, no one can take away his amazing poetic abilities.

9. Tivo Tebow (3-7): Florida controls its own destiny!
You Are Here- Tebow looks like a lock to get to NYC, and has at least an outside chance of being He15man again if Texas Tech trips up against Oklahoma and Mizzou in the Big 12 title...and Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State...and Texas loses to Kansas...
You'll End Here- Like, right here. It's over. This is what you get for starting Jake Delhomme for multiple weeks.

10. Nirty Daggers (1-9): Maybe the name change will help break Parkhill's fantasy curse.
You Are Here- How this deeply-talented team didn't win more still confuses me.
You'll End Here- Too bad we don't draft backwards of this year's standings in '09.

Finally, since I've been gone for so long, here are my picks on all the games-

Chase Daniel Tasty Picks of the Week:
#1 Team Lawniczak over #3 Denver's Helicopter Men
#7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers over #2 Flight of the Khannchords
#5 Team ciske over #4 Plack Beople
#6 Clayton Bigsby over #10 Nirty Daggers
#8 Cromartie McFly over #9 Tivo Tebow

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard

The barons and knights were gathered together at Castle Halas,
As the cold November breeze blew the leaves from the trees.
The meadow was wet as the outline of the gridiron was set.
King Lovie: The Wise found himself in an epic doozy of a bind,
For the injured ankle of his most glorious knight was troubling his mind.

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard made claim that he was ready for battle,
And the Lords, Serfs, and coordinators did not want to use the lesser knight again,
For surely the Knight of the Sex-Cannon was snuffed out during his last test,
As the Mighty Mighty Titans proved once again that they were the leagues best.

So King Lovie summoned the greatest doctor in all of the the Prairie State,
And he made haste, bringing his leeches to drain the knight's excess.
He correctly evened the humors and healed the bold and fearless knight,
And thus Orton proceeded to deflower four fair maidens, much to their delight.

Finally rested and fully recuperated, Orton set out for tough in-division battle.
He moved around the pocket however he pleased,
Hucking the rock all over the field with tremendous ease.
The Packers from the north were fragile and they immediately folded and bent,
Much like the knee of resident douche bag Nick Barnett (too soon?).

Orton and King Lovie's Bears were triumphant on this day,
Taking no prisoners in their flawless victory over Green Bay.
Sexy-Rexy, Aaron Rodgers, and Bart Starr looked on as the Great Orton steered,
He proved once and for all that a proud and true knight must wear a beard.

The Mother Fucking Mailbag

Hello and welcome to the Arthur Luebbers Athlete Mailbag. Over the last month or so I created a "help line" of sorts in which athletes and sports figures from all across the land ask me my honest opinion on matters concerning their problems, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and even their sex life. Many of the questions I have been recieving have been complete duds, mainly all 47 combined questions sent in by MLS players. Maybe we'll have time to address one of those at the end, but don't count on it. Well, without further ado, let's get it on.

Our first question this week comes from Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith, and he asks, "Hey Arthur, I hope my question gets in the first edition of the mailbag, there may be some tickets in it for you, eh? eh? But onto my question... Do you see us making the playoffs this year? Also, one last thing real quick if you have time, what happened to those NBA preview articles that Michael Murnane was supposed to write? He just stopped out of the blue after one post, what a complete tease, and what happened to everyone else, GEEZE?"

(Lovie loves him some Murnane apparently)

-Great to hear from you Lovie, and congratulations on a so far successful season. Now, your chances of making the playoffs depend on the arm of your NFC North rival Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. If they beat you in both of your upcoming matchups, then you can book a family vacation to Disney World after week 17, but if you can stop Rodgers and Co and earn a split, then you might just make it. P.S. Whatever you're mixing into Kyle Orton's Ovaltine, keep it up. As far as that putrid piss ant Murnane goes, and everyone else, I have no idea, it's not like any of us have anything better to do, so just keep your eyes peeled Lovester.

Our next question comes to us from Chicago Bulls head coach Vinny Del Negro, and he asks, "Hey there, I don't care what you think, I"M VINNY FUCKING DEL NEGRO. I'm up to my ears in tail every night, but here's a question anyways. Do you see me still coaching the Bulls 3 years from now?"

(Vinny Vinny Vinny Vinny rockin everywhere)

-Hey Vin Vin, excellent question. Yes. If Pax is still there you will be too. You have several pieces to the championship puzzle this year already, but once you sift through the shit (Hughes) and get yourself a scoring threat down low, your team will be a real contender. Thanks Vin.

Wow this is going great. One more question this week, and it comes from former Detroit Lions Team President Matt Millen. Matt asks, "Hey Arthur, do you think I will ever get another job in an NFL front office again? I'm pretty bummed out after what happened with the Detroit mishap, but those receivers were can't miss, CAN'T MISS I tell ya."

(Matt Millen laughing after a racist joke about a white guy, a Ford Focus, and a Jew)

-Yikes, hey Matt, thanks for sending me your question. This was an easy one, and the answer is no way Jose. You have to be dreaming if you think you deserve another shot buddy boy. I would like to thank you though, as a Bears fan it has been nice to have at least one team that you can count on for 2 sure fire victories a year (except last year). Vikings and Packers fans alike were saddened to hear of your dismissal or stepping down, whatever it was. Heres what you should do though. Get a list of every single Lions fan who watched a Lions game either at home or at Ford Field over the last 7 years, and give them each $1,000. Maybe that can be your legacy, and hey, maybe that would revitalize Detroit, but I doubt it. You Suck.

Well that's it for this week, check back next time for some more questions or if you are an athlete reading this great blog, send in your questions to -fakeemailaddress@MurnanePaper.com-

New-ish Nike Commercial

Not at good as the Briscoe High Hawks, but not bad.