Playoff Preview 2

NON-SPOILER ALERT: Unlike the NFC, which I think is easier to predict (until the Pack pissed away the Panthers game (Chuck breaks that pass up 9 times outta 10 (FUCK))).  The AFC is a huge fucking mess.  As it stands now, I see no favorite.  All of the following teams have, in my view, fatal flaws.  I’ve seen them all play well, and I’ve seen them all fall on their faces.  I don’t get it, and I never will…but I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.  I’m picking a winner here, but I can honestly see five teams winning the AFC: Titans, Colts, Jets, Patriots, and Steelers.  Here’s my best shot though…

THE AFC FIELD

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals

Cleveland Browns

Although the Ravens are only one game behind the Steelers, their schedule looks pretty daunting for a rookie quarterback to navigate down the stretch.  They host the Redskins and Steelers, take a trip to Dallas and finish with the hapless Jaguars at home.  Optimistically they go 3-1, but reality tells me it’s either 2-2 or 1-3, either way that’s not enough to make it to the final dance.  Meanwhile, December has arrived bringing good cheer to Pittsburgh.  The ‘burgh has an equally tough finish (vs. Dallas, at Ravens, at Titans and vs. Browns), but unlike the Ravens, the Steelers are a good team.  Also, Troy Polamalu is the Defensive Player of the Year.  Yes, he gets burned like every safety does, but he never misses a chance to come up with the big play.

Nothing, not even a couple more Ray Lewis murders will get the Ravens in the playoffs

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars

Houston Texans

The Titans’ three game lead with four to play is way too much for the peculiar Colts to make up, but playoffs are certainly in Indi’s future.  Even though they’ve reeled off five in a row, the Colts still remain a mystery.  And Peyton Manning being Peter King’s top MVP candidate, c’mon Pete, that’s not cool.  Although Kurt Warner is trying his best to piss the MVP away, he has to be the leader at this point.  When it’s all said and done expect Warner and Adrian Peterson to be in a dead heat for the MVP.  In a year in which nobody is a true favorite, I’m saying Purple Jesus claims his first MVP because the writers come to the realization that giving Kurt Warner three MVP awards would be a tragedy. 

WINNER: TENNESSEE TITANS

WILD CARD: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Oh, the ole AFC East…good times.  The three teams in contention in this division are not as good as their records may indicate.  Playing both the NFC and AFC West is the gift that just keeps on giving.  The combined record of these divisions is 31-65, meaning the AFC East’s win totals are slightly inflated.  That said, with an extremely shaky AFC picture the Jets and Pats have the potential to do some damage in the playoffs, the Dolphins…not so much.  Looks like the Jets and Pats are continuing their yearlong battle of which team has the easiest schedule and down the stretch it looks like this: Jets (at 49ers, vs. Bills, at Seahawks, vs. Dolphins), Pats (at Seahawks, at Raiders, vs. Arizona, at Bills).  With a one game lead now and the easier schedule, I like the Jets to take the East.  There will still be room in the postseason for the Patriots.

 

Best way to tell you live in a shithole town? Wayne Chrebet's name is on your sign.

WINNER: NEW YORK JETS

WILD CARD: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

AFC West

San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders

Kansas City Chiefs

I think most people will agree that the Broncos kind of suck.  I read it in SI.com’s Power Rankings and I completely agree, no one can figure out the Broncos.  Lose to the Raiders and Chiefs, beat Falcons and Jets, what?  This team depends on the ample arm of a young man from Santa Claus, Indiana.  When I think of the high risk/high reward QBs in the game today, I immediately go to Favre, Romo and Cutler.  The problem for the Broncos is that the Jets and Cowboys have good enough teams to eek out a win if their QB happens to self-destruct.  With the Broncos it’s a Cutler clinic or a loss, those are the only two options.  More than any team in the league, the Broncos will live by the sword, die by the sword…but what a sword it is.  Alright, my Cutler hard-on is slowing subsiding, luckily for all you readers this isn’t the NFC side because I’m sure I’d find a way to discuss Aaron “The Surgeon General” Rodgers at this point.  

Reach for the stars, Tony, because even if you miss you'll land amongst the clouds

WINNER: DENVER BRONCOS

BYES: #1 Tennessee Titans and #2 N.Y. Jets

#3 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. #6 New England Patriots

            We just saw this game a couple of days ago, and it wasn’t pretty.  Anyone who knows me well knows my annoying habit when talking Patriots football; I can’t help but focus on Randy Moss.  I know he dropped some TDs in this last game, but the only chance the Pats have to win in Pittsburgh is to chuck it to Moss at least once a series.  They, of course, will not do that and they will get clobbered.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

#4 Denver Broncos vs. #5 Indianapolis Colts

            Nightmare match-up for the Broncos.  Just like Packers vs. Cowboys, the Broncos simply cannot beat Peyton Manning.  Peyton is not a cold weather QB, so it’s possible that he’ll struggle in January, but no…Colts win.

WINNER: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

#1 Tennessee Titans vs. #5 Indianapolis Colts

            I know the Titans are 11-1, but they’ve been frauds in my view the entire year.  I know on a lot of levels my beliefs are wrong, but I just don’t like them in the playoffs, sorry.

WINNER: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

#2 N.Y. Jets vs. #3 Pittsburgh Steelers 

            Unfortunately for the Jets, they do not draw the warm weather Colts and lose their advantage.  Although there have been some sore spots recently, Brett Favre is still the guy to have in a cold weather showdown.  The Steelers will obviously not be intimidated by cold weather, and if Big Ben can figure out how to not hold onto the ball for an hour every time he drops back, Steelers will play well enough to win on the road.

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

#3 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. #4 Indianapolis Colts

            This is a toss-up for me.  My coin says the Steelers.

You may be colorless now, but soon it'll be your time to shine, Limas

WINNER: PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Playoff Preview

SPOILER ALERT: The following article will detail the complete results of the 2008/2009 NFL Playoffs.  If you have planned to watch these ‘offs in real time I suggest you skip this installment.

The NFC Field

NFC East

            Best division in football, obviously.  How good are the Giants if they’re mowing down some of football’s best?  Looks like the Eagles will fold under the weight of this division, while the Redskins will emerge bloody, unable to fit into the playoff picture.  Now let’s talk Cowboys, aka the dysfunctional NFC Pro Bowl roster.  The ‘boys will be reunited under the leadership of quarterback-elect Tony Romo and charge into the playoffs. 

After getting shunned from Philadelphia, McNabb decides to become ?uestlove's understudy.

WINNER: NEW YORK GIANTS

WILD CARD: DALLAS COWBOYS

NFC North

            Detroit Lions

            This division boils down to the oldest rivals in the NFL, Packers vs. Bears.  A quick look at the schedules will tell you the Vikings will not be there in the end, but expect Green Bay and Chicago to go down to the wire.  Packers are a mystery and the Bears suck at defense, offense and special teams.  Gotta go with them Packers.

This pedophile looks an awful lot like Brad Childress   

WINNER: GREEN BAY PACKERS

NFC West

            San Francisco 49ers

            Seattle Seahawks

            St. Louis Rams

            No comment.

            WINNER: ARIZONA CARDINALS

NFC South

            Saints are in last place and struggling and I’m still not quite buying what the Falcons are selling.  Carolina has built a lead in the division and they'll keep it.  Tampa is the team that everyone forgets when trying to recite the playoff teams from the previous year.

            WINNER: CAROLINA PANTHERS

            WILD CARD: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Wild Card Weekend

BYES: #1 NEW YORK GIANTS and #2 CAROLINA PANTHERS

#3 ARIZONA CARDINALS vs. #6 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

            Jeff Garcia and Warrick Dunn just can’t match the points the Cards will put on the board.  The Cardinals’ playoff win propels the Phoenix area to a high that it hasn’t seen since Pat Tillman returned from Afghanistan after successfully bringing Osama bin Laden to justice.

You did it, Pat!

#4 GREEN BAY PACKERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Packers cannot beat the Cowboys.  It’s been that way for decades, irrelevant of location, situation or players.  Rodgers at Lambeau: loss.  Hasselbeck in the preseason: loss.  Favre at Texas Stadium: loss.  Majkowski in cold weather: loss.  Nall in a dome: loss.  Brohm in the Super Bowl: loss.  Pederson on the Xbox: loss.  It’s just not happening.               

ROUND TWO

#1 NEW YORK GIANTS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            O SNAP, payback muthafucka.  This exact scenario played out last year, with teams reversed.  Same result this time as the lower seed (this time Dallas) pulls off the stunner. 

Dual-threat Jacobs, destroying DBs and our environment.  What an asshole.

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #3 ARIZONA CARDINALS

            When the Cardinals travel east of the Mississippi River they lose.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Cowboys continue their march to the Super Bowl with an absolute beat down of the hapless Delhomme-led Panthers.  Given the current state of the economy, the Cowboys decide not to spend money on a glitzy Tampa hotel, and instead stay with southwest Florida resident and team friend Marg Pagel.  

Marg (center) enjoying the scenery with her friends Adam and DeMarcus

(First one to make an inappropriate joke loses...their life)

AFC coming soon.

HIGH FIVES!!!!!! YAYyayYAY

Wow, I've been on a pretty long break from the Fives. I would like to apologize to everyone and assure you that the wait is over. And Here............We............GO.

TOP 5 CEREALS THAT LEAVE THE MOST DELICIOUS MILK:

5) Frosted Flakes
-Frosty

4) Cocoa Puffs
-Chocolaty

3) Waffle Crisp
-Waffle-y

2) Apple Jacks
-Apple-ly

1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
-Cinnamon-y

(Mmm mmm delicious, DIABETICS BEWARE!)

TOP 5 SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHILE TURDING:

5) Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

4) Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

3) Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men

2) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

1) Drop It Like Its Hot - Snoop Dogg

(Auto Industry bailout, what a joke)

TOP 5 Pagel Movie Favorites:

5) Sleepless in Seattle

4) The Notebook

3) Dream Girls

2) Patch Adams

1) Anything Tyler Perry

(Oh that Madea, non-stop laughs)

Alright, so by this point it is pretty obvious that Pagel is still watching that month long marathon of Countdown with Keith Olbermann and is wayyyyyy to busy to post on his blog. So before you go any greener on us, it's time to get back in the game.

Power Rankings

Even though it's been over a month since the Power was last on, the top teams have more or less held serve. Two weeks to make a play, with all but one team still in the picture. Let's just get right into it before I start venting about how shoddy Mike McCarthy's playcalling is.

(...or how ill-equipped the Packers are to overcome Nick Barnett's injury and make a legit run at one of the NFL's worst divisions)
(...or that the Rexy-led Bears are about to end Green Bay's season on their own turf with nearly two months left on the regular season calendar)
(...or how Aaron Rodgers' arm looks more flaccid than Ciske's ween at a Regnery titty party)


But I digress...

1. Team lawniczak (8-2): This is what's known as a "make-up call." The Power Rankings took several weeks off, most of which would have put Lawny at the top.
You Are Here- The most consistent team from Day One, and the frontrunner talent-wise with a healthy Steven Jackson.
You'll End Here- Like many teams, a lack of consistently big QB scoring (Matty Ice and Big Ben) could be Lawny's kryptonite.

2. Flight of the Khannchords (8-2): League's highest point scorer has been victorious in 6 consecutive games, leaving top dogs Lawny, Murnane, and Gallert in his wake.
I Am Here- Warner is tossing his way to a (gulp) third MVP, and with the return of Boldin, there's no reason he'll slow up. Ryan Grant has shown signs of resurgence, averaging 4.3 and 4.7 yards per carry against the NFL's two best rush defenses.
I'll End Here- With his lack of carries, MJD is still one of the league's most mind-numbingly frustrating players, and is liable to have virtually no contribution any given week. Can Roddy and Megatron continue to post huge numbers despite unpredictable QB play?

3. Denver's Helicopter Men (6-4): Matchup of the week coming up against Lawny, with a first-round Bye still within striking distance.
You Are Here- Welcome back, AD. Steve Smith is quietly putting together another great campaign. Is K2 back, too?
You'll End Here- LJ's return continues to be the deciding factor for this team, for better or for worse. Without him, Murn-Dawg's flex is a major concern, with Torain's ACL joining Shaun Livingston's in tendon heaven, and Bowe getting fewer targets than Mark Bradley since Thiggy took over the reigns in KC.

4. Plack Beople (7-3): Good with his fingers, Argall keeps pushing the right buttons, despite a beat-up roster. (This is me dropping you a spot from where you would have been if you had written something)
You Are Here- SuperCut's ascent to, fall from, and return to his spot amongst the league's best fantasy QBs has been this year's great wild card.
You'll End Here- If he reverts to the 2007 Pagel version, post-injury Reggie will cripple Slick Willy in the 'offs. Lacking a legit #2 WR and weak at the flex spot, Ryno can't afford to get single digits from The Reg as well.

5. Team ciske (4-6): Scrambling back into the picture after dropping five in a row from weeks 2-6.
You Are Here- With Thomas Jones' return to fantasy relevance, Ciske has reeled off 106, 113, and 121 points in three of the last four. Suddenly a very deep and dangerous team. For the first time in two years, I have no shitty players to rip on.
You'll End Here- Doesn't control his own destiny, which is a shame. I've been loathe to give Benny credit, but this team is rounding into form nicely- and, most likely, a bit too late. Very tough finish (Murnane and Argall).

6. Clayton Bigsby (5-5): Queekfest's top WR duo has ran roughshod, but RB health keeps Diggs hovering around .500 and in danger of falling out of the playoff picture altogether.
You Are Here- 'Dre Days keep Gal in the thick of contention.
You'll End Here- Playoffs!!?? Three straight losses with no more than 79 points in a week does not bode well...but the season closes out with Parkhill and Garrett. The returns of Addai and Fast Willie key Nate Dogg's title hopes.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers (5-5): Two straight wins keeps Michael Leslie on life support.
You Are Here- Matt Forte has been everything DMC was supposed to be. I was completely wrong about Brandon Jacobs- just imagine what his numbers might be if he was getting a full complement of carries. No one wants to face a team QB'd by Romo in the playoffs.
You'll End Here- ?Donde esta Senor Moss? To clinch a spot in the tournament, Pagel needs to split his final two...which happen to be against one Anshu Khanna and another Brian Lawniczak.

8. Cromartie McFly (3-7): Much-anticipated transfer of the reins to Tim Hightower has come a bit too late for Psycho A.
You Are Here- Although we've likely heard the last of IV this season, with the dust clearing on injuries, Luebbers has a solid bunch, with Owens (with Romo), Colston, and Braylon back together for the first time since opening weekend.
You'll End Here- With just 53 points last week, Lu is going quietly. The Great Rookie RB Experiment has gone awry. Still, no one can take away his amazing poetic abilities.

9. Tivo Tebow (3-7): Florida controls its own destiny!
You Are Here- Tebow looks like a lock to get to NYC, and has at least an outside chance of being He15man again if Texas Tech trips up against Oklahoma and Mizzou in the Big 12 title...and Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State...and Texas loses to Kansas...
You'll End Here- Like, right here. It's over. This is what you get for starting Jake Delhomme for multiple weeks.

10. Nirty Daggers (1-9): Maybe the name change will help break Parkhill's fantasy curse.
You Are Here- How this deeply-talented team didn't win more still confuses me.
You'll End Here- Too bad we don't draft backwards of this year's standings in '09.

Finally, since I've been gone for so long, here are my picks on all the games-

Chase Daniel Tasty Picks of the Week:
#1 Team Lawniczak over #3 Denver's Helicopter Men
#7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers over #2 Flight of the Khannchords
#5 Team ciske over #4 Plack Beople
#6 Clayton Bigsby over #10 Nirty Daggers
#8 Cromartie McFly over #9 Tivo Tebow

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard

The barons and knights were gathered together at Castle Halas,
As the cold November breeze blew the leaves from the trees.
The meadow was wet as the outline of the gridiron was set.
King Lovie: The Wise found himself in an epic doozy of a bind,
For the injured ankle of his most glorious knight was troubling his mind.

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard made claim that he was ready for battle,
And the Lords, Serfs, and coordinators did not want to use the lesser knight again,
For surely the Knight of the Sex-Cannon was snuffed out during his last test,
As the Mighty Mighty Titans proved once again that they were the leagues best.

So King Lovie summoned the greatest doctor in all of the the Prairie State,
And he made haste, bringing his leeches to drain the knight's excess.
He correctly evened the humors and healed the bold and fearless knight,
And thus Orton proceeded to deflower four fair maidens, much to their delight.

Finally rested and fully recuperated, Orton set out for tough in-division battle.
He moved around the pocket however he pleased,
Hucking the rock all over the field with tremendous ease.
The Packers from the north were fragile and they immediately folded and bent,
Much like the knee of resident douche bag Nick Barnett (too soon?).

Orton and King Lovie's Bears were triumphant on this day,
Taking no prisoners in their flawless victory over Green Bay.
Sexy-Rexy, Aaron Rodgers, and Bart Starr looked on as the Great Orton steered,
He proved once and for all that a proud and true knight must wear a beard.

The Mother Fucking Mailbag

Hello and welcome to the Arthur Luebbers Athlete Mailbag. Over the last month or so I created a "help line" of sorts in which athletes and sports figures from all across the land ask me my honest opinion on matters concerning their problems, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and even their sex life. Many of the questions I have been recieving have been complete duds, mainly all 47 combined questions sent in by MLS players. Maybe we'll have time to address one of those at the end, but don't count on it. Well, without further ado, let's get it on.

Our first question this week comes from Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith, and he asks, "Hey Arthur, I hope my question gets in the first edition of the mailbag, there may be some tickets in it for you, eh? eh? But onto my question... Do you see us making the playoffs this year? Also, one last thing real quick if you have time, what happened to those NBA preview articles that Michael Murnane was supposed to write? He just stopped out of the blue after one post, what a complete tease, and what happened to everyone else, GEEZE?"

(Lovie loves him some Murnane apparently)

-Great to hear from you Lovie, and congratulations on a so far successful season. Now, your chances of making the playoffs depend on the arm of your NFC North rival Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. If they beat you in both of your upcoming matchups, then you can book a family vacation to Disney World after week 17, but if you can stop Rodgers and Co and earn a split, then you might just make it. P.S. Whatever you're mixing into Kyle Orton's Ovaltine, keep it up. As far as that putrid piss ant Murnane goes, and everyone else, I have no idea, it's not like any of us have anything better to do, so just keep your eyes peeled Lovester.

Our next question comes to us from Chicago Bulls head coach Vinny Del Negro, and he asks, "Hey there, I don't care what you think, I"M VINNY FUCKING DEL NEGRO. I'm up to my ears in tail every night, but here's a question anyways. Do you see me still coaching the Bulls 3 years from now?"

(Vinny Vinny Vinny Vinny rockin everywhere)

-Hey Vin Vin, excellent question. Yes. If Pax is still there you will be too. You have several pieces to the championship puzzle this year already, but once you sift through the shit (Hughes) and get yourself a scoring threat down low, your team will be a real contender. Thanks Vin.

Wow this is going great. One more question this week, and it comes from former Detroit Lions Team President Matt Millen. Matt asks, "Hey Arthur, do you think I will ever get another job in an NFL front office again? I'm pretty bummed out after what happened with the Detroit mishap, but those receivers were can't miss, CAN'T MISS I tell ya."

(Matt Millen laughing after a racist joke about a white guy, a Ford Focus, and a Jew)

-Yikes, hey Matt, thanks for sending me your question. This was an easy one, and the answer is no way Jose. You have to be dreaming if you think you deserve another shot buddy boy. I would like to thank you though, as a Bears fan it has been nice to have at least one team that you can count on for 2 sure fire victories a year (except last year). Vikings and Packers fans alike were saddened to hear of your dismissal or stepping down, whatever it was. Heres what you should do though. Get a list of every single Lions fan who watched a Lions game either at home or at Ford Field over the last 7 years, and give them each $1,000. Maybe that can be your legacy, and hey, maybe that would revitalize Detroit, but I doubt it. You Suck.

Well that's it for this week, check back next time for some more questions or if you are an athlete reading this great blog, send in your questions to -fakeemailaddress@MurnanePaper.com-

New-ish Nike Commercial

Not at good as the Briscoe High Hawks, but not bad.

Power Rankings, Vol. 6

In light of Murnane’s basketball preview, I felt the need to pass this video along, in case you haven’t seen it. Needless to say, Greg Oden is the MAN on so many levels, starting with his attire and continuing on to his musical abilities. I think it’s safe to say Greg Oden is my favorite non-Bull (this side of AI).


Defensive Player of the Year? “It’s gonna be me”.

An exciting rookie class (plus Oden), star power that seems reinvigorated after the Olympics, wide-open race for the title, number of impact trades and signings, and the return of Adam Morrison make for an NBA season that hopefully won’t suck when football ends.

Back to the gridiron- it was Blowout Week for fantasy football, with 4 of the 5 games being decided by 47 points or more. Shakeups abound in this edition of the Power Rankings, featuring a new top four.

1. Team lawniczak (5-0; Last Week: 2) - No excuses this time der bud…there’s just no question that Lawny gets the top spot this week. By taking the lead in total points and being the only unblemished team, the floor is yours - to masturbate all over.

2. Clayton Bigsby (4-1; 4) - Last week’s Murnane Massacre served to flip an emphatic middle finger in the face of the league, as Diggs has not lost since dropping a Week 1 showdown with his top-ranked roommate. Also, Eli is good, but will everyone calm down about him being better than Peyton? (I’m talking to you, TMQ) Just as the media overly-castrated the younger/lesser Manning last year after one forgettable game against the Vikings, they are completely overhyping him and the 4-0 Giants this year. For a one-year stretch, I’m still taking Peyton over any QB in the league, including a healthy Brady, Brees, or Romo. I’m not even buying Eli as a top five fantasy QB this year. But I digress…Nate, solid work thus far.

3. Plack Beople (4-1; 1) - Lost in the aftermath of ESPN’s MNF Reggie Bush cock-gargling was the fact that he ended with just 12 carries for 29 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 2 fumbles (one lost) in that game. I’ll give Argtits the benefit of the doubt with one horrific week, but he can’t afford another (64 and 75 the last two weeks) with Murnane on deck. Also, if we go another week without an Argall article, I’m docking him a spot in next week’s Power Rankings from where I would have had him originally. STEP UP RYNO.

4. Denver’s Helicopter Men (3-2; 3) - A week after hanging 110, El Gato barely scratched half that total in Week 5. After that 110-point outburst: “If LJ’s showing against his Broncos wasn’t a fluke [2 weeks ago], it’s tough to argue against this team being the best with all starters going.” Seven carries for 2 yards for Grandmama is not going to cut it- how he comes back after the Bye could spell Murn’s fate.

5. Flight of the Khannchords (3-2; 5) - Thanks to Ryan Longwell’s Monday Night “heroics,” a certain Power Ranker had a hilarious comeback victory. How bad do you think the Lions are? The answer to that- and Calvin Johnson’s consequent performance- might hold the key to India’s season.

6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers (2-3; 6) - Mike Pagel Wide Receiver Name Game: Which player would you rather have? A (274 yards, 2 touchdowns, 38 fantasy points) or B (275 yards, 4 touchdowns, 50 fantasy points)?


You boys want some popsicles?

That’s right! The butt of many an hilarious old man joke, Isaac Bruce (Player B), has had a better fantasy season than one Randy Moss (Player A)- 153 yards in Week 2, then 4 touchdowns in the next 3 weeks. Two straight wins has put MLP right back in the thick of the playoff picture.

7. Cromartie McFly (2-3; 9) - After looking back over IV’s performance, I still have absolutely no clue what to think of this team. Hightower has not run for over 37 yards in a single game- yet he has 5 touchdowns in five games. Felix’s 5 game log: 62 yards (td), 10 yards (0 td), 76 yards (td), 0 yards, 96 yards (td). He should be 3-2 (lost by 1 to Lawny). 116 points without Braylon or Colston? He’ll have to give it a go again without the two stud WRs this week.

8. Tivo Tebow (1-4; 7) - A narrow loss last week at the foot of Longweezy leaves G Baby at an undeserved 1-4. Quietly, CPo is having another great season, ranking third in fantasy points amongst running backs to date. Still, Boldin’s headshot may be enough to derail the Anderson comeback machine, with Garrett pulling a Ciske and starting Rudi Johnson in his wake.


Rudi putting a smile on a few of the kids Travis Henry left behind

9. Team ciske (1-4; 8) - See Benny? This is what happens when you start those guys: 52 points. This week, Ciske looks to take the rage of four consecutive losses and countless insults out on me. I can only hope Miles Austin draws another start. Or Ocho Cinco.


Keep starting me, and my 152 yards and 1 TD in 5 games!

10. Team Parkhill (0-5; 10) - Starting a player on Bye…for shame.


Is the sixth time the charm? Parkhill takes aim at the W column vs. an injury-riddled Luebbers squad.

Chase Daniel Tasty Pick of the Week: #10 Team Parkhill over #7 Cromartie McFly

HIGH FIVES

Top 5 NFL Teams

 

5) Pittsburgh Steelers

            POLAMALU!

4) Washington Redskins

            ZORN!

3) Tennessee Titans

            FINNEGAN!

2) Dallas Cowboys

            NEWMAN!

1) New York Giants

            BOSS!

Top 5 (If Season Ended Today) MVP Candidates

 

5) Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos

            There are more deserving candidates for this spot, but my love of Cutler has compelled me to keep him here for one last time.

4) Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints

            The Saints are a kicker away from being 4-1, Semi-Automatica Gramatica should be released by weeks end.  Reggie’s done it all for the Saints, tied for the NFL lead in scoring with 6 TDs: one on the ground, two receiving and three punt returns*.  He is still having trouble as a RB (3.3 ypc), but he leads the league in receptions and is finally doing what most thought he would.  Bush may be able to move up this list if he stops fumbling every other play.

Good start, but expect Reggie to fumble away the condom later

*I think that any future fantasy football leagues we participate in should count punt/kick return TDs as TDs for the person returning them as well.  This would value players like Bush, Devin Hester, DeSean Jackson slightly higher than they are now, which is only fair, because as NFL players their actual value to their team is higher because of their unique ability to help through special teams.  Reggie Bush got 6 points for his performance on Monday, I dare say that what he did Monday was worth more than 6 points.

3) Michael Turner, Atlanta Falcons

            NFL’s leading rusher.

2) Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys

            His mediocre performance on Sunday still included 3 touchdown passes.

1) Eli Manning, New York Giants

            When in doubt trying to pick an MVP, always look to the quarterback of the best team.  Side note: ESPN’s back to their old tricks.  Their website’s main story was simply “Eli > Peyton”.  Yes, Eli is playing better than Peyton through four games, but as I said in the last High Fives edition…don’t expect it to continue.  Eli’s is on his way to becoming a great QB, Peyton is on his way to becoming the best ever.

 

Top 5 Fantasy Performers This Week

 

5) Romo vs. Cardinals

            Old man Favre was able to throw 6 TDs, let’s see what ole Romeo can do.

4) Purple Jesus vs. Lions

            Lions defense.

3) Andre Johnson vs. Dolphins

            This guy’s sweet.

2) Eli vs. Browns

            Plax is back.

1) Chicago Bears D vs. Falcons

            Bears will not let Michael Turner run anywhere in this game, which means Matt Ryan’s gonna have to throw it.  Matt Ryan throws mean turnovers, and turnovers always mean Bears defensive TDs.

 

Top 5 Most Underused NFL Players

5) Antonio Cromartie, San Diego Chargers

            I couldn’t think of a good one here, but I’m sure he could be used as a wide receiver on occasion.  He’s gotta be better than guys like “C. Davis” and “L. Naanee” listed on the Chargers depth chart.

4) David Thomas, New England Patriots

            Still sees a fair amount of playing time, but he’s clearly the #2 TE behind Ben Watson.  This reminds me of the Jason Witten-Anthony Fasano situation in Dallas a couple years ago.  We’ve seen Fasano emerge in Miami, Thomas could do the same given the chance.

3) Brady Quinn, Cleveland Browns

            Sitting the kid is acceptable if he’s playing behind someone good (ex: Aaron-Favre), but why is Brady Quinn sitting behind Derek Anderson?  I know you threw a lot of money at DA, but this is the NFL, I’m sure less than 1% of that money is guaranteed.  DA’s playing like shit despite good surrounding talent, give BQ a shot because the kid can play.

Sure, Jesus can walk on water, but can he throw a football while nakedly emerging through it? 

2) Vernon Davis, San Francisco 49ers

            When you pick a freaky tight end with the sixth overall pick in the draft, you should probably throw him the ball.  In 27 games as a pro, Vernon has caught more than 5 balls in a game just 3 times, having been held to 60 yards or less in 20 of them.  The arrival of Mike Martz has been the beginning of the end for Vernon, catching just 5 passes for 87 yards over 4 games, including a zero catch effort last week.

Vernon showing off the muscles he's built by staying in to block on every play

1) Laurence Maroney, New England Patriots

            Just imagine the conversations that took place in the Patriots war room during the 2006 draft.  You have the Pats personnel men telling Belichick that spending their first round pick on a talented, workhorse running back is a great move for the franchise.  They go on and on about the fact that his 5’11 225 pound frame can withstand carry after carry in the NFL.  While all this is happening, Belichick is nodding along thinking to himself, “I’ll draft a workhorse RB…and never give him the ball, I’m a genius!”  In 30 career games Maroney has carried the ball over 20 times just once, ONCE!  No excuse for this; he’s not a “change of pace” runner who can’t handle the load and there aren’t any other Pats good enough to share carries with Maroney (they do anyway).  If they’re not gonna use him, Ted Thompson should send over a 2^nd round pick for him and we can finally end Ryan Grant’s reign of terror.

Brady: "Nice run kid.  Now grab some pine, we don't want you showing up the great Kevin Faulk"

chh chh chh ahh ahh ahh ch ch ah ah

Play the above song before you read for the full effect.

It's that time of year again. No, not the start of the NBA or NHL season you jag bags. It's FRIGHT FEST season at Six Flags Great America in beautiful Gurnee, Illinois. Anyone who has ever been to fright fest knows what I'm talking about when I say that it is the be-all end-all when it comes to Halloween entertainment (especially when you have a free ticket). The scary music, the zombies, and the sounds of high school girls screamin' and creamin' that come from all over the park make it a one of a kind Halloween hot spot.

(Nicccccccce)

(Necropolis is home to the Mausoleum of Terror, one of their haunted houses) (Gene Simmons looks on)

During fright fest, some of the normally boring park areas are transformed into new haunted zones, where zombies, aliens, and or wolf-men are waiting around every corner to scare the poop out of you. Necropolis (above) is the main haunted area of the park during fright fest. You have to enter through this gate and make your way back around to the park's picnic area, where they have all sorts of props set up, and enough smoke and fog to make my uncle Brian jealous.

(Some of the new props that they pull out for fright fest, I don't know how the hell they get that gorilla up there)

As mentioned above, one of the main reasons that fright fest is so popular is the characters that walk around trying to scare everyone. There are deranged clowns, zombies, vampires, ghosts, trolls, witches, and the already hideous park staff. These people do anything and everything that they possible can to scare you. It doesn't really work most of the time, but on a few occasions they do get the best of you, especially when they charge at you with a chainsaw, ey Murngato?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

(Yeah, you would soil yourself too if you saw this fuck coming at you)

On top of all that, you still have all the rides to go on, including a few variations of the regular rides. For instance, the normally boring and vomit inducing tea-cup ride transforms into a pitch-black, strobe lit, and even more so vomit inducing ride that will be sure to loosen your stool as well. The bumper cars go through a similar change, as do a few more of the smaller rides. The biggest change though, is in the water rapids ride. The water is dyed blood red, and the ride is renamed Blood River. It's usually around 45-55 degrees during fright fest, so only a few idiots ever ride it, but it is a lot of fun to watch either way.

(ooooooohhhhhhhh scarrrrrrrryyyyyyyy...)

Well, there you have it. I suggest that you make fright fest a yearly trip, and seeing as only four or five people read this blog, you probably already do. In closing, I leave you with one of the scariest things that I have ever seen, enjoy.

NBA Predictions: 2008-2009 Style

I know there are more important things to blog about than the NBA right now, but hey--go fuck yourselves!! I'm gonna do it anyways.  My first blog will only be the Eastern Conference Predictions.  Later in the week I will bring you the Western Conference.

That's right, I do what I want!!

HOW THEY'LL FINISH

1. Cleveland Cavaliers

I strongly believe LeBron and company are 'on a mission from god' to be this years number one team in a lack luster Eastern Conference.  Expect a 15/15 season from Ben Wallace (kidding..or am I????) and for Crazy Wally to shoot 85% from three-point land.  Bottom line:  King James will rape anyone and anything that comes between him and the throne of NBA greatness, including Dikembe Mutumbo

Ladies and Gents: The New Horrace Grant

2. Boston Celtics

Anything was indeed possible in '08 for Kevin Garrnett and company.  So what will the future hold in '09?  Probably disappointment.  The loss of James Posey is really gonna hurt this teams chances of repeating...seriously.  The addition of Ryan Argall's favorite crack head, Darius Miles could help, but he needs to stay away from the drug lords he surrounds himself with, mainly Justin Kotney, Andy Davis and Erick Sherjoholm (however you spell that fucks name).

"Yo dawg, dat guy over there has got dat real 'sticky icky' shit.  I think his name is Dan Patrick or something."

3. Chicago Bulls

Ok, so this may be a bit high for a team coming off a huge letdown of a year, but I am a believer fellas!!!!  The Eastern Conference is garbage and we still have our core players intact.  Not to mention we have gotten rid of all the shitty ones (Wallace, Joe Smith, Duhon, Othela 'big cat' Harrington) and added the number one player in this years Draft, D. Rose.  The future is bright Chicago!  If you need anymore evidence as to why this could be the year, two words: Michael Ruffin.  He's baaaaaaaaaack!!

Fear me.

4. Detroit Basketball

Who cares?  They will have a good regular season and fizzle out in the playoffs like they always do.  Yawn...Fart....Yawn..

 5. Orlando Magic

Dwight Howard.  Enough said.  Superman alone will mold the Magic into contenders.  The Defining question for the Magic will be if J.J. Reddick can becomes the next white superstar the NBA so desperately needs.  There is a better chance of Silly Btevens learning how to read.

JJ has had a case of 'blue balls' for awhile now

6. Toronto Raptors

The Bosh-O'Neal combo could be something special, but I'm still not too excited about it.  O'Neal is always injured and/or crying about something, so hopefully Bosh can turn to the alter ego he displayed on youtube last year and Teebag Jermaine right in the gonads.

7. Philadephia 76ers

Elton Brand is a huge cunt for what he did to the LA Clippers.  If he would have just resigned with LA--like he promised-- they actually could have done something in the West.  Karma is a bitch Sir Elton.  I fully expect him to die in a plane crash right after the Sixers make the playoffs. 

8. Miami Heat

D. Wade and Beastley could really evolve into something special in Miami; although I don't see it happening this year. I know some people (Anshu) believe Beasley is gonna score 50 a game and snatch another 30 boards a game, but lets not get our weiners in knots just yet.  Let the kid prove himself on the court first, while also going more than fifty days without getting in trouble with the law and/or former girlfriends.  (Update: Beasley appears to of been the brains behind the weed smuggling operation that landed KU teammates Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur behind NBA bars)

Eastern Conference finals: #1 Cleveland Cavaliers over #2 Boston Celtics in 7

AWARD TIME

MVP: LeBron James

His numbers are gonna be ridiculous this year and his team will also have the best record.  If anyone can put together a triple-double season, it would be King James. 

ROY: D Rose

Just like his uniform number, Rose will be the number one rookie at the end of the year.  Words of advise to Rose: stay away from the gummy bears and cinnamon buns; we don't want another Khalid El-Amin situation on our sugary hands.

#43: "You are one obese mother fucker Khalid"

6th Man: Zigi Hrbacek, C Huskies (from the 6th Man movie)  ZIGI FOR THREE!!!!

A&Z All the Way

Biggest Bust: Eric Gordon, LA Clippers.  

I think Ciske has a prettier jumper than EG.  No Jumper, No Love.  

(Note: I realize Gordon is in the Western Conference, thus he is my Western bust....Eastern Bust will be part of the Western post, sorrrrry)

Future Star: J.R. Gidden, Boston Celtics.  

We all have fucked up at some point in our lives.  It just so happens that J.J.'s fuck up is a little more unique than most.  He was stabbed in the leg after one of his 'boos' saw him mackin' it on another 'boo' at a local bar in Lawrence, Kansas.  This development made JJ's first 'boo' go all Michael Myers on his ass.  She tore his leg to shreds with a butcher knife that she just so happened to be keeping in her fake gucci bag.   JJ's incident became well publicized and his worst fears were realized.  See, JJ had multiple 'boos' throughout his stay at KU and somehow he was able to play them along until the exposure of incident was picked up by the ten other girls he was playing.  Unfortunately for JJ  these bitches turned out to be blood thirsty cunts who tried to kill him on numerous occasions.  He became so frightened of them that he transferred to a place where he could be free of all threats, New Mexico.  Before the injury Giddens was on track to be a lottery pick.  New Mexico didn't help his basketball stock though, it plummeted until the last pick of the first round.  Hopefully being on a championship team in Boston and learning behind some of the greats of the game will bring back the magic and talent he displayed at KU.

If JJ would have stayed at KU, this could have been the outcome. Yikes!

Western Conference predictions to come later in the week, along with my coveted finals pick!!

This Just In...

I have officially become a contributing member to NFL Chronicles. Now I just need to come up with some sort of weekly column...

Power Rankings, Vol. 5

Originally, I was going to reserve this space for talking about the MLB playoffs, but with our three favorite teams a collective 0-5 thus far, I’ll just move right along.

For the second straight week, the higher seed won every game, proving my Power Rankings are undoubtedly the be-all and end-all.

1. Plack Beople (4-0; Last Week: 1) – Argtits remains a full 27 points ahead of any other team, but there’s plenty of concern. Just 75 points in a Week 4 victory and injuries to Westbreeze and Roy Williams leaves the door open for upset potential the next few weeks. I know Griese’s been passing more and Denver’s D has been a sieve, but…really, Ike Hilliard?

What were you thinking entrusting ME with your #1 ranking?

2. Team lawniczak (4-0; 2) – Picking against Lawny twice in a row (incorrectly) has made me realize how good of a team he’s got. Even with S-Jax on Bye, there’s a lot to like here this week, with Graham vs. Denver, Slaton taking on a depleted Indy D, and Fitz getting all the targets against Buffalo with Boldin out.

3. Denver’s Helicopter Men (3-1; 3) – A monster Week 4 in which no one came within 13 points of Murndawg leaves him first in line should one of the undefeated teams go down. If LJ’s showing against his Broncos wasn’t a fluke last week, it’s tough to argue against this team being the best with all starters going. Good barometer game with Nate on tap.

4. Clayton Bigsby (3-1; 4) – If one of Diggs’ real QBs (Palmer or Eli) can emerge so that he doesn’t have to start Trent Edwards, Nate’s team could be truly dangerous. ‘Dre is an early bust with no touchdowns through 3 games, and needs a big performance for Gal!!! to have any shot this week.

Trent Edwards: Better dresser than fantasy QB

5. Flight of the Khannchords (2-2; 5) – 60 points? 6 turnovers from Kurt Warner and Ryan Grant’s 20 yards and a fumble will do that. On a side note, if Grant doesn’t get his fecal matter together and end up with 1000 yards this year, the Packers won’t have more than 6 wins.

6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers (1-3; 9) – The only team that makes an upward move this week, MLP hung 96 on Parkhill- without his top two picks playing. DeSean Jackson looks like a legit every-week starter, and Pagel struck fantasy gold with Forte. If DMC or Fargas takes over the lion’s share of carries under the new Oakland regime, watch out.

7. Tivo Tebow (1-3; 8) – I’ll admit, I may have been off about G Baby’s squad. He still had a quality showing in a losing cause last week, and has now put up scores of 95 and 111 in two of the past three. With Hasselbeck’s WRs getting healthy and Ronnie Brown rediscovering his nose for paydirt from early last season, Garrett’s voice will be heard in the playoff chase before all is said and done.

DAMN RIGHT I’M OUT OF THE BOTTOM 2, YOU FUCK

8. Team Ciske (1-3; 6) – Ciske, it’s like you’re asking me to make fun of you. Miles Austin? Mewelde Moore? Lance Moore? On the bright side, even if you lose, Sunday could still be a good day if Ocho Cinco scores and you stick a star on “Little Ciske.”

Like what you see, Benny? ;-)

9. Cromartie McFly (1-3; 7) – You know things aren’t going your way when you lose by one point. It’s been that kind of season for Psycho A, but he faces a winnable showdown this week with Ciske, as he tries to sneak a W with Braylon and Colston out this week.

10. Team Parkhill (0-4; 10) – It’s been an incredibly frustrating first quarter of the season for arguably the league’s deepest team. It gets no easier with Lawny coming up next.

Chase Daniel Tasty Pick of the Week: #6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers over #1 Plack Beople

Jersey Chaser - NFL Edition: Vol. 1

There is a very strong chance that this will be the only edition. For whatever reason it is fairly difficult to organize and post images on this site. Anyways, in this edition, we will look at the best of what the NFL has to offer as far as uniforms go. AND WE'RE LIVE!

-The Oakland Raiders-

(I'M ANGRY!)

-When a lot of people think about football, the first thing that comes to their mind is often the Oak.....But really, the Oakland Raiders do exemplify a very classic look known all throughout the NFL. Their trademark silver and black combo strikes fear into the hearts of their opponents (especially the Broncos). Their sleek and simplistic layout is as easy on the eyes as a picture of your friends sister sucking on a lollipop.

-The Arizona Cardinals-

(ooooooops)

-The Cardinals recently switched to new uniforms a few years back, and we are all thankful for that. Their new designs dusted off the image of an old, boring, and possibly homosexual bird, and created a new and more fierce Cardinal that doesn't take any shit this time around. Even Matty Hot Tub can't ruin these good looking duds.

-(Mug over mouth) The Denver Broncos-

(Both unis look great Maurice)

-They make the list simply because they were the team who pretty much started the new trend in uniform design. Even the Libertyville Wildcats copied this classic design, with the help of the Panico Outfit. Everyone criticized the hell out of the Broncos for wearing what were called..."unfinished uniforms." People thought that they were a joke, but they were really ahead of their time. There are some rumors out there that these designs were created by a group consisting of Walter Payton when he was trying to start up a team in St. Louis called the Stallions. Ripped off or not, they are still pretty solid.

-The San Diego Super Chargers-

(S.T.Y.L.E. ... Style)

-If you are keeping track, this is the 3rd entry from the AFC West. The Chargers unis have it all by not having too much. For a newer uniform design, they are not over the top (Bengals/Vikings). They have one simple lightning bolt, and they use it very well throughout the design. The switch to white helmets was also a very positive move. Job well done Bolts.

-The Chicago Bears-

(Stunning, just stunning)

-There is no bias here (*wink* *nudge* *fart*). What's not to like here. The midnight blue and orange clad monster's of the midway wear these classic battle shrouds with the class and style one might find in some kind of expensive magazine. The classic three-striped socks and the custom designed numerals are sploogeworthy alone. Notice Hester's double sock action, clever. When you see Brian Urlacher BEARing down on you in his Sunday's best, your sphincter is sure to fail. The Bears uniforms are the best in the NFL and I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive.

Quarterback Comparisons

Anshu- Matt Leinart, USC

Much like Matt, America views Anshu as half quarterback-half celebrity.  Rumors have romantically linked him to many Bollywood Hollywood starlets, but as he told People Magazine last week he “doesn’t kiss and tell.”  Lacks the huge arm strength of some of the other premier QBs, but the touch and accuracy are tough to match.  

Nate Gallert – Mark Mallory, Cincinnati Mayor

The only thing more pathetic than his arm strength is his accuracy.  If you’ve never seen Nate throw, reference video below to get an idea of what it looks like.

Gizzi -  Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers

Perfectly suited to play a hardnosed brand of football.  He’s the tough guy quarterback who has the physical tools to put up big numbers, but if you ask him he’d rather give it to the back and watch the hogs work, occasionally mixing in big plays through the air.  Let’s just hope that by putting his face through a windshield, Ben has shown Gizzi the importance of wearing a helmet while on a motorcycle. 

Garrett- Junior Floyd, Little Giants

Launching roll after roll of toilet paper into the shopping cart has really developed Garrett’s arm strength over the years. 

Lawny- Tim Tebow, Florida Gators

He has the arm strength, but truth be told opponents would much rather see him drop back and throw than deal with the alternative; trying to stop this beast from running through your defense.

Pagel- Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears

The physical tools are all there but his refusal to throw open underneath routes and his inability to make good decisions has led to record turnover rates.  Turns coaches gray and eventually makes them long for a game-manager type QB.

Luebbers- Matt Jones, Arkansas Razorbacks

Absolutely huge arm, but he’s probably best used at another skill position because he’s a nightmare match-up for defenses.  However, similar to Matt Jones, the only thing holding Luebs back is his crippling cocaine addiction.

Ciske- Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay Bucs

Has great athletic ability combined with very mediocre arm strength, but is a proven winner.  There is also one other obvious similarity…the red hair.

Murnane- Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers

To watch Murnane throw a football brings pain to anyone unlucky enough to be watching.  The body motion combined with the side arm sling has tricked many scouts into believing he’s the QB for a Special Olympics Team.  But upon further review, he delivers the ball where it needs to be with just enough zip to give defenders fits.

Argall- Doug Peterson, formerly of the Green Bay Packers

No one, including himself, can figure out how he survives final cuts every summer.  That really doesn’t bother Argall much though, because he still gets his paychecks.  His quarterbacking skills are nearly non-existent, which is why he spends practice counting down the minutes until he and a select few of his (white) teammates can pound brews on the first tee of the local golf course.  The Argall anthem has become “Money, Cash, 18 Holes”.

Parkhill- Michael Vick, Virginia Tech

A strong but often erratic arm has made him much more dangerous running with the football.  His speed and elusiveness make him a pain-in-the-ass to defend, but scouts wonder whether these skills would be better off on display at another position.  Off the field issues are a concern, and despite his best efforts, he does not smoke nearly as much weed as Vick did (pre-prison).