Playoff Preview

SPOILER ALERT: The following article will detail the complete results of the 2008/2009 NFL Playoffs.  If you have planned to watch these ‘offs in real time I suggest you skip this installment.

The NFC Field

NFC East

            Best division in football, obviously.  How good are the Giants if they’re mowing down some of football’s best?  Looks like the Eagles will fold under the weight of this division, while the Redskins will emerge bloody, unable to fit into the playoff picture.  Now let’s talk Cowboys, aka the dysfunctional NFC Pro Bowl roster.  The ‘boys will be reunited under the leadership of quarterback-elect Tony Romo and charge into the playoffs. 

After getting shunned from Philadelphia, McNabb decides to become ?uestlove's understudy.

WINNER: NEW YORK GIANTS

WILD CARD: DALLAS COWBOYS

NFC North

            Detroit Lions

            This division boils down to the oldest rivals in the NFL, Packers vs. Bears.  A quick look at the schedules will tell you the Vikings will not be there in the end, but expect Green Bay and Chicago to go down to the wire.  Packers are a mystery and the Bears suck at defense, offense and special teams.  Gotta go with them Packers.

This pedophile looks an awful lot like Brad Childress   

WINNER: GREEN BAY PACKERS

NFC West

            San Francisco 49ers

            Seattle Seahawks

            St. Louis Rams

            No comment.

            WINNER: ARIZONA CARDINALS

NFC South

            Saints are in last place and struggling and I’m still not quite buying what the Falcons are selling.  Carolina has built a lead in the division and they'll keep it.  Tampa is the team that everyone forgets when trying to recite the playoff teams from the previous year.

            WINNER: CAROLINA PANTHERS

            WILD CARD: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Wild Card Weekend

BYES: #1 NEW YORK GIANTS and #2 CAROLINA PANTHERS

#3 ARIZONA CARDINALS vs. #6 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

            Jeff Garcia and Warrick Dunn just can’t match the points the Cards will put on the board.  The Cardinals’ playoff win propels the Phoenix area to a high that it hasn’t seen since Pat Tillman returned from Afghanistan after successfully bringing Osama bin Laden to justice.

You did it, Pat!

#4 GREEN BAY PACKERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Packers cannot beat the Cowboys.  It’s been that way for decades, irrelevant of location, situation or players.  Rodgers at Lambeau: loss.  Hasselbeck in the preseason: loss.  Favre at Texas Stadium: loss.  Majkowski in cold weather: loss.  Nall in a dome: loss.  Brohm in the Super Bowl: loss.  Pederson on the Xbox: loss.  It’s just not happening.               

ROUND TWO

#1 NEW YORK GIANTS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            O SNAP, payback muthafucka.  This exact scenario played out last year, with teams reversed.  Same result this time as the lower seed (this time Dallas) pulls off the stunner. 

Dual-threat Jacobs, destroying DBs and our environment.  What an asshole.

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #3 ARIZONA CARDINALS

            When the Cardinals travel east of the Mississippi River they lose.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

#2 CAROLINA PANTHERS vs. #5 DALLAS COWBOYS

            The Cowboys continue their march to the Super Bowl with an absolute beat down of the hapless Delhomme-led Panthers.  Given the current state of the economy, the Cowboys decide not to spend money on a glitzy Tampa hotel, and instead stay with southwest Florida resident and team friend Marg Pagel.  

Marg (center) enjoying the scenery with her friends Adam and DeMarcus

(First one to make an inappropriate joke loses...their life)

AFC coming soon.

HIGH FIVES!!!!!! YAYyayYAY

Wow, I've been on a pretty long break from the Fives. I would like to apologize to everyone and assure you that the wait is over. And Here............We............GO.

TOP 5 CEREALS THAT LEAVE THE MOST DELICIOUS MILK:

5) Frosted Flakes
-Frosty

4) Cocoa Puffs
-Chocolaty

3) Waffle Crisp
-Waffle-y

2) Apple Jacks
-Apple-ly

1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
-Cinnamon-y

(Mmm mmm delicious, DIABETICS BEWARE!)

TOP 5 SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHILE TURDING:

5) Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

4) Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

3) Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men

2) Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

1) Drop It Like Its Hot - Snoop Dogg

(Auto Industry bailout, what a joke)

TOP 5 Pagel Movie Favorites:

5) Sleepless in Seattle

4) The Notebook

3) Dream Girls

2) Patch Adams

1) Anything Tyler Perry

(Oh that Madea, non-stop laughs)

Alright, so by this point it is pretty obvious that Pagel is still watching that month long marathon of Countdown with Keith Olbermann and is wayyyyyy to busy to post on his blog. So before you go any greener on us, it's time to get back in the game.

Power Rankings

Even though it's been over a month since the Power was last on, the top teams have more or less held serve. Two weeks to make a play, with all but one team still in the picture. Let's just get right into it before I start venting about how shoddy Mike McCarthy's playcalling is.

(...or how ill-equipped the Packers are to overcome Nick Barnett's injury and make a legit run at one of the NFL's worst divisions)
(...or that the Rexy-led Bears are about to end Green Bay's season on their own turf with nearly two months left on the regular season calendar)
(...or how Aaron Rodgers' arm looks more flaccid than Ciske's ween at a Regnery titty party)


But I digress...

1. Team lawniczak (8-2): This is what's known as a "make-up call." The Power Rankings took several weeks off, most of which would have put Lawny at the top.
You Are Here- The most consistent team from Day One, and the frontrunner talent-wise with a healthy Steven Jackson.
You'll End Here- Like many teams, a lack of consistently big QB scoring (Matty Ice and Big Ben) could be Lawny's kryptonite.

2. Flight of the Khannchords (8-2): League's highest point scorer has been victorious in 6 consecutive games, leaving top dogs Lawny, Murnane, and Gallert in his wake.
I Am Here- Warner is tossing his way to a (gulp) third MVP, and with the return of Boldin, there's no reason he'll slow up. Ryan Grant has shown signs of resurgence, averaging 4.3 and 4.7 yards per carry against the NFL's two best rush defenses.
I'll End Here- With his lack of carries, MJD is still one of the league's most mind-numbingly frustrating players, and is liable to have virtually no contribution any given week. Can Roddy and Megatron continue to post huge numbers despite unpredictable QB play?

3. Denver's Helicopter Men (6-4): Matchup of the week coming up against Lawny, with a first-round Bye still within striking distance.
You Are Here- Welcome back, AD. Steve Smith is quietly putting together another great campaign. Is K2 back, too?
You'll End Here- LJ's return continues to be the deciding factor for this team, for better or for worse. Without him, Murn-Dawg's flex is a major concern, with Torain's ACL joining Shaun Livingston's in tendon heaven, and Bowe getting fewer targets than Mark Bradley since Thiggy took over the reigns in KC.

4. Plack Beople (7-3): Good with his fingers, Argall keeps pushing the right buttons, despite a beat-up roster. (This is me dropping you a spot from where you would have been if you had written something)
You Are Here- SuperCut's ascent to, fall from, and return to his spot amongst the league's best fantasy QBs has been this year's great wild card.
You'll End Here- If he reverts to the 2007 Pagel version, post-injury Reggie will cripple Slick Willy in the 'offs. Lacking a legit #2 WR and weak at the flex spot, Ryno can't afford to get single digits from The Reg as well.

5. Team ciske (4-6): Scrambling back into the picture after dropping five in a row from weeks 2-6.
You Are Here- With Thomas Jones' return to fantasy relevance, Ciske has reeled off 106, 113, and 121 points in three of the last four. Suddenly a very deep and dangerous team. For the first time in two years, I have no shitty players to rip on.
You'll End Here- Doesn't control his own destiny, which is a shame. I've been loathe to give Benny credit, but this team is rounding into form nicely- and, most likely, a bit too late. Very tough finish (Murnane and Argall).

6. Clayton Bigsby (5-5): Queekfest's top WR duo has ran roughshod, but RB health keeps Diggs hovering around .500 and in danger of falling out of the playoff picture altogether.
You Are Here- 'Dre Days keep Gal in the thick of contention.
You'll End Here- Playoffs!!?? Three straight losses with no more than 79 points in a week does not bode well...but the season closes out with Parkhill and Garrett. The returns of Addai and Fast Willie key Nate Dogg's title hopes.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers (5-5): Two straight wins keeps Michael Leslie on life support.
You Are Here- Matt Forte has been everything DMC was supposed to be. I was completely wrong about Brandon Jacobs- just imagine what his numbers might be if he was getting a full complement of carries. No one wants to face a team QB'd by Romo in the playoffs.
You'll End Here- ?Donde esta Senor Moss? To clinch a spot in the tournament, Pagel needs to split his final two...which happen to be against one Anshu Khanna and another Brian Lawniczak.

8. Cromartie McFly (3-7): Much-anticipated transfer of the reins to Tim Hightower has come a bit too late for Psycho A.
You Are Here- Although we've likely heard the last of IV this season, with the dust clearing on injuries, Luebbers has a solid bunch, with Owens (with Romo), Colston, and Braylon back together for the first time since opening weekend.
You'll End Here- With just 53 points last week, Lu is going quietly. The Great Rookie RB Experiment has gone awry. Still, no one can take away his amazing poetic abilities.

9. Tivo Tebow (3-7): Florida controls its own destiny!
You Are Here- Tebow looks like a lock to get to NYC, and has at least an outside chance of being He15man again if Texas Tech trips up against Oklahoma and Mizzou in the Big 12 title...and Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State...and Texas loses to Kansas...
You'll End Here- Like, right here. It's over. This is what you get for starting Jake Delhomme for multiple weeks.

10. Nirty Daggers (1-9): Maybe the name change will help break Parkhill's fantasy curse.
You Are Here- How this deeply-talented team didn't win more still confuses me.
You'll End Here- Too bad we don't draft backwards of this year's standings in '09.

Finally, since I've been gone for so long, here are my picks on all the games-

Chase Daniel Tasty Picks of the Week:
#1 Team Lawniczak over #3 Denver's Helicopter Men
#7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Tauschers over #2 Flight of the Khannchords
#5 Team ciske over #4 Plack Beople
#6 Clayton Bigsby over #10 Nirty Daggers
#8 Cromartie McFly over #9 Tivo Tebow

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard

The barons and knights were gathered together at Castle Halas,
As the cold November breeze blew the leaves from the trees.
The meadow was wet as the outline of the gridiron was set.
King Lovie: The Wise found himself in an epic doozy of a bind,
For the injured ankle of his most glorious knight was troubling his mind.

Orton: The Knight of the Neckbeard made claim that he was ready for battle,
And the Lords, Serfs, and coordinators did not want to use the lesser knight again,
For surely the Knight of the Sex-Cannon was snuffed out during his last test,
As the Mighty Mighty Titans proved once again that they were the leagues best.

So King Lovie summoned the greatest doctor in all of the the Prairie State,
And he made haste, bringing his leeches to drain the knight's excess.
He correctly evened the humors and healed the bold and fearless knight,
And thus Orton proceeded to deflower four fair maidens, much to their delight.

Finally rested and fully recuperated, Orton set out for tough in-division battle.
He moved around the pocket however he pleased,
Hucking the rock all over the field with tremendous ease.
The Packers from the north were fragile and they immediately folded and bent,
Much like the knee of resident douche bag Nick Barnett (too soon?).

Orton and King Lovie's Bears were triumphant on this day,
Taking no prisoners in their flawless victory over Green Bay.
Sexy-Rexy, Aaron Rodgers, and Bart Starr looked on as the Great Orton steered,
He proved once and for all that a proud and true knight must wear a beard.